The Bible, the Old Testament According to Spike Milligan by Spike Milligan

Author:Spike Milligan [Milligan, Spike]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: [Côte d’Azur]
Published: 1993-01-01T05:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER X

There was Naomi and her two widowed daughters-in-law, Orpah and Ruth. There was famine in the land save food parcels from Oxfam. The Jewish Chronicle said that the Lord was in Moab distributing bread. Naomi was short of bread, smoked salmon, blintzes and soured cream. So she departeth, saying to Ruth, “Thou need not come with me.”

But Ruth sayeth, “Whither thou goest, I will go; thy people shall be my people.”

“That’s very nice of you,” sayeth Naomi.

“I haven’t finished yet,” said Ruth. “When thou diest, I will die.”

“No, no, that’s silly,” said Naomi. “You die when it’s your turn, eh?”

2. And they arriveth in Bethlehem. Ruth findeth work as a reaper of corn, and the owner of the field was Boaz. He said unto his reapers, “The Lord be with you at one shekel a day.”

And they sayeth, “It’s bloody slavery.”

Boaz asked, “Who is yon woman with the big ones?”

And he sayeth to her, “Thou workest well, and I have charged my young men not to touch thee.”

“Did you have to?” said Ruth.

“If you wish, thou canst dwell in my home with my daughters, who are all straight.”

3. In gratitude, Ruth threw herself on her face on the ground.

“You won’t see much there,” said Boaz.

She said, “Why have I found grace in thine eyes?”

“There must be some mistake,” said Boaz; “I haven’t got anything called grace in mine eyes. Now, at mealtimes come you hither, to eat, and to dip thy morsel in the vinegar.”

So Ruth had to be satisfied with morsels and dipped vinegar. Ruth returneth to the shekel-a-day reaping and she reapeth an ephah of barley and gave the ephah to Naomi. She maketh an ephah cake and eateth it; Ruth got bugger-all.

4. “Where thou goest, I goest,” said Ruth.

“That’s awkward,” said Naomi, “I’m going to the loo.”

Ruth said, “I must return to Mr Boaz, who looketh after me.”

Naomi said, “Show thou respect for Boaz, wash thyself and anoint thee and put a raiment upon thee, and get thee down to the floor. And when Mr Boaz lieth down, mark thou the place he shall lie, then go in, and uncover his feet, and lay thee down; and he will tell thee what to do.”

“You must be bloody mad,” said Ruth.

And Naomi weepeth.

Cometh a happy ending. Ruth went and did as Naomi said, and when she uncovered Mr Boaz’s feet, it turned him on. “Do it again,” he said, and married her. After a night of foot uncovering, he begat her and she bore a son. He was called Obed, and his genealogical tree was: Pharez begat Hezron, who begat Ram, and Ram begat Amminadab, who begat Nahshon, who begat Salmon, who begat Boaz, who begat Obed.

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